Fallon Cook (00:02)
I want to tell you about three things that genuinely made my early parenting journey easier. They're not research findings or sleep tips, they're just things that helped when I was exhausted. And they're things that I wish all new parents knew. So today's episode, it's gonna be a little bit different because it's personal and it's honest, and I hope that it will make you feel a little less alone.
Hi, and welcome back to brand new little people. I'm Dr. Fallon Cook and today I'm flying solo. If you're new here, welcome. This podcast is all about the early years of parenting with a bit of a focus on sleep and settling and crying. I'm a PhD and I have a couple of postdoctoral fellowships in infant sleep, but I'm also a mum of three. My kids are now nine, twelve, and fifteen, which means
I think I I have enough distance from those really hard years to be able to look back on it and well, laugh about some of it. Not all of it, but some of it. So today's episode really came about because I was thinking about what I would want to tell my younger self. That version of me who had a tiny newborn in arms, or, you know, a six month old or a toddler who had decided that four thirty AM was a great time.
To get up and start the day. And I realized that the things I would really want to tell her aren't research findings or anything technical. They're just the softer things. And I call these things the permission slips. So these are the things that nobody really says out loud, or at least they're not talked about enough. and so that's what today's episode is going to be. It's going to be focusing on three things that I really believe can help.
all parents and I'm really hoping at least one of them really lands for you today. So let's get into it. All right, number one. So years ago, I was working at the parenting research center on, was it doing my first postdoc actually looking at babies sleep.
and I was heavily pregnant with my first child, and I was surrounded by some more seasoned parents than I. β and I'll never ever forget this one lovely lady, and her kids were heading into their teen years, and she said, This is the most important thing anyone ever told me, and it was the thing that helped me the most. So I was like, all years, bring it on, give me this advice. And she said, The best thing she was ever told was that you only need
one tidy room. And at first I was really confused. I was like, what do you mean? Because I am somebody who really likes to have the whole house under control. But she said, look, you're gonna have a newborn, you know, eventually a toddler, and it becomes completely impossible to have a house that is perfectly put together all the time. And I know that I'm really stating the obvious here. But as somebody who was, you know, had didn't have kids yet, β I just thought I would keep on having a perfect house.
but anyway, she said so this person had told her, just focus on one room of the house that you try and keep tidy. β it's a place then that if you have an unexpected visitor, you take them straight to that room. It's the one that, you know, isn't too feral and out of control. And every other room in the house, she was like, you just let it go. It just doesn't matter. And I remember at the time thinking, there's no way I can do that. And I really struggled with it for a long time. But it is such a brilliant idea because
I for me as a person, if I know I've got one space in the house that's reasonably calm, like a place where things are tidy enough, things are clean enough, not perfect, but just good enough, then it's a place that I can go where I just kind of can take a breath and really relax. And in those crazy newborn days especially, you kind of need a little sanctuary. And you've gone from, you know, you previously had your entire house as your sanctuary, but when a a baby arrives, that goes out the window. And so
Just accepting that maybe the best I could do was to just have one room that was okay-ish, not perfect, but just good enough. It took a lot of pressure off me. β if people came over, I would just go around and shut all the doors to every other room. And that would be the place where I would bring them into and sit with them. And it just makes it manageable. So I hope that's helpful to listeners. I think it's so important when we become parents to adjust our expectations of.
what our house is going to be like and how clean and tidy it might be. Because otherwise we end up, you know, kind of crashing into big obstacles and we can end up feeling like we're failing every day. And I definitely struggled with that a lot. I would look around and if everything was too chaotic, I would think, well, here is solid evidence that I've failed. But, you know, with the benefit of hindsight, how completely ridiculous is that? I wasn't failing at anything. I was keeping brand new human beings alive.
And that's what you're doing as well. So if you're listening and you look around and you spot mess, I want you to know that even all these years later, I'd be, you know, I've got rooms in my house I wouldn't let you see in, β especially the kids' rooms. β yeah, I'd be slamming doors and and tidying up a you know one particular space. It's β it's just life, it's how it goes. And you need to take some pressure off yourself in those early years. β and look, if you can't even manage one tidy room and you just think, I don't care, I'm gonna let my house be an absolute mess.
Well, all power to ya. I I envy you. yeah, so do adjust your expectations a little bit. β you know, good enough is good enough in these β in these really early years. So one tidy room can be a really helpful one. Let's move on to number two. And this took me a while to learn, but I remember I lived in Ballarat at the time when my β when my youngest was born.
And I'd look out the window and there was just this lady who walked past like probably a dozen times a day with a Pram and a little baby that was usually crying. And I just got so used to seeing her face go past the window. And that kind of brings me to this second point of sometimes you've just got to get out of the house, even if your ducks aren't in a row. And you don't, you know, you're just feeling so discombobulated. β
Just chuck your runners on, put your hair in a ponytail, pop your baby or your toddler in the pram and get out of the house, especially in those really intense days. There are going to be days when the baby won't stop crying and you've tried absolutely everything. There are many days where your toddler is going to hit that wall where they go from regular toddler to feral, free-range, slightly deranged toddler.
And if you stay at home, it can start to feel like a pressure cooker, like you are sort of stuck in this high pressure environment, you know, that there's loud noises, it can feel really overstimulating. β and when that starts to happen and you start to feel that panic rise up, you're less likely to be in a place where you can actually help your baby or your toddler to calm down. β but we know that old adage of, you know, a crying baby, get them out into nature or, you know, get them in a bath, get them water, you know, that sort of thing.
it's so true for just that fresh air for babies and toddlers. It's a change of scenery. It can act as a really good reset. But, you know, thinking about your own mental health as a parent, when you get out and you move, no matter how slowly, doesn't matter if you're just going up and down the same stretch of street, you've got that cool air hitting your face, you've got that sunlight hitting your retinas, you know, it's good for your circadian rhythm. It's just, it's so good to have that reset. So do it. If things are high pressure,
Just get out of the house. It can reset everything for the day. All right. And finally, number three. This is a big one. But the crux of it is this. You have to learn to forgive yourself because there are so few perfect days, especially in those first few years. There will be so few days where you go to bed at night and you say, Well, that was perfect. I did everything perfectly. I was the calmest, most engaged.
perfect parent, you know, on the planet. Those days might never happen or they'll be as rare as hens' teeth. And I think one of the biggest adjustments we go through as parents is learning to forgive ourselves when we make mistakes and learning how to move on from that. and I think what's really important and what really made a difference for me as a parent was thinking about that concept of rupture and repair. And you might not be familiar with this, but
when when it comes to having like our children having a secure attachment with us, β the core crux of that is not that you must be the perfect parent every single day without fail, the most responsive parent, the calmest parent, the most, you know, organized parent. The crux of it is when you make mistakes, because you will, there will be moments when you get really angry. You might feel full of rage, you might snap, you might be impatient, you just might
Do something where you think, I never thought I would be like that as a parent. But when that those things happen and they inevitably will, the most important part of those moments is that you repair it, that you don't run away. So if you have a day where you think, I was so impatient with my toddler today, I feel so ashamed of how impatient or cross or cranky I got. Remember, it doesn't matter that you got cross or cranky or impatient.
What truly matters is that you didn't leave. It matters that you came back to them. You might have had a little reset, but you came back and you repaired it. You might have come back and started engaging with them in some playtime or chatting with them. Or for older children, you may come back and say, you know what, I made a mistake. I was feeling really angry and I s shouldn't have shouted. β for older children you can explain to them, I had a really rough moment then, but I'm back now. What are we gonna do now? And
Even though, you know, you can use those words with older children, you can also approach things in a similar way with babies and toddlers. Those moments when you're getting furiously cranky, you're thinking, my gosh, you know, they won't stop crying. This is so hard. Maybe you're not being the most engaging parent you could be. Just forgive yourself and go back to your baby, talk to them gently, play a game, because that's what really matters. And that's really showing your children, no matter what their age, that
Yeah, sometimes people get cranky. Sometimes people aren't perfect. But those relationships can be repaired. β you know, my parents are reliable and things might sometimes be tricky, but things repair again, things get better again. So it's kind of a meaty one, that one. But what I want you to think about is if you've had one of those moments recently where you thought, β I really stuffed that up. Maybe I wasn't the best at parenting in that moment. Please forgive yourself.
Because no one's perfect all the time. And what matters is that you get up every day and you show up again for your kids. And you know, that's what you're doing. And how wonderful is that. So you're probably doing a much better job than you actually realise you are. All right, that got heavy. Really heavy. But I hope that helps. I think those are three things that I, you know, are really important to me. And they are still things that I live by every single day.
If you have things yourself that you'd really love to share with other parents, let me know because I could absolutely bring those on to future podcast episodes as well. Awesome. All right. Let's go into parent questions. There are, I think we've got seven questions this week and some I always say this, but they're really good questions. You guys are just awesome. You think of these great, great questions to ask, and it's always so interesting and very. So let's start with Kim.
Kim wrote in she has an 18-month-old who has recently started fighting his nap. He usually naps for an hour 20 to an hour 30 minutes. She says we usually wake him up. And he goes down to bed at 8 pm. Kim says we're sticking to his daily rhythm, but just over the last week or so he started fighting his nap to the point where he is thrashing around in her arms.
And in his room and he's crying and basically just having a huge tantrum. β she says it's like he has a fear of missing out as he has an older brother who does not nap. it's so tricky when they just want to play with their older sibling. It's really hard. β Kim says he will still nap, and it usually takes him five or six minutes to go to sleep once he's in his cot. She says, is this just a phase or do we need to juggle things around a bit? A later nap or you know, a shorter nap.
And she adds, β since he's been sick, we've had to lay down in the bed next to his cot in his room, so he goes to sleep. This is for naps and at bedtime. β and she says, as he's always as he has been screaming in his cot and crying and standing up and refusing to sleep. β since we've been in the room, he goes to sleep a lot easier, usually within five minutes or so, with little crying. So she wonders, could it be separation anxiety? Look, it could be Kim, but
I think it is a bit of fear of missing out. So when there's an older sibling who's not having that nap, β you know, an 18 month old is gonna know that they're off having fun and doing stuff around the house. β so often they just think, no, I don't wanna have to stop and nap. It's boring. Like how boring. So I think there is that bit of fear of missing out.
And I think the reason why he likes you being there lying down in the room is that he's no longer missing out. He's got you there. So there's somebody there with him doing what he's doing. β so that could be the crux of it. What I would think of doing is, β well, for starters, I probably wouldn't change the daily rhythm. The fact that he falls asleep within five or six minutes is perfect. Like that's that's a really good amount of time. Even if he's a real cranky pants about it, I wouldn't be too worried. Really normal for eighteen month olds to be cranky and
and annoyed when they don't get to make the decision around when the nap's gonna be. But if he's falling asleep quickly, then we know that he needs it and the sleep pressure is there. β so what I'd be thinking about that might help would be I would make it that maybe it's 10 minutes before nap time, you deliberately have your older child do something that is very quiet and very calm. So it might be that you say to your older child, β hey we're gonna go and have
bit of a rest time now. And maybe, look, you know, we're all guilty of this sometimes. Maybe your older child just gets a bit of iPad time for ten minutes in their bedroom where it's quiet. You can make the whole house quiet. Maybe it's a bit darker. It's really calm. And then your eighteen month old doesn't think he's missing out on anything. He's thinking, well, my older sibling is is in their room having quiet time as well. So I may as well just go and have my nap. β so that's what I'd be tinkering with.
β and just really stick to your guns as well. Like if it's a bit of a curly day and he's really cross, he's allowed to have an opinion about not wanting his nap, but he does have to nap. So I would I would just keep persisting and often these sorts of little phases last a couple of weeks and then it's over and done with and and they're all through it again. All right, I hope that helps, Kim. Sarah sent in an email and she said, Hi, lifesavers.
Yes, you literally are lifesavers. Own it. β I love this, Sarah. That's very, very kind. Sarah has nearly sixteen month-old twins with low sleep needs who have recently transitioned from two naps to one nap after twin B began refusing the second nap, struggling with settling and waking overnight for long periods. Good call, because you've got all the signs there that they're ready for just one nap and they're the right age as well.
Sarah says previously twin A averaged around 11 hours total sleep and twin B around 11 and a half hours, with both generally sleeping through the night and less unwell. Since transitioning to one nap around two or three weeks ago, sleep has become unsettled, particularly with overnight partying, which can last one to three hours. Sarah, you poor thing. Sarah trialled long awake windows and a two hour nap initially, then reduced.
awake time slightly when daycare was struggling to keep them awake long enough before lunchtime. However, both twins continued waking overnight. She's since reduced the total sleep again to around 11 and a half hours like total opportunity per day. Currently the twins wake at 6am, they nap at around 1145am for a couple of hours, and they go to bed around 8.30pm. They show signs of tiredness before nap and bedtime but can push through if they're distracted.
Sarah feels they may ultimately need closer to 11 hours total sleep with a later bedtime. However, daycare cannot consistently keep them awake long enough before nap time. She's wondering whether to continue persevering with the one nap transition, trial a short afternoon cat nap on daycare days, or temporarily separate the twins onto different schedules, with twin A potentially still needing two naps while twin B manages better on one nap. So this is a really, really good question.
If both twins were born at term, so they're 16 months and β you know, it's not an adjusted age, I would say there are very few 16 month olds that can really manage two naps. So I think the call to move to one nap is a really good one. I suspect what's happening is that they are waking each other up overnight, having a really big long party, and then they're waking up in the morning on time, but they are
honking out, you know, before lunchtime, they're really, really tired because of that wake up in the night. And then that's making you think, maybe they need two naps, whereas actually they they really just need one. That's my thinking. What I'd be really inclined to do is actually put them into separate rooms if you can. I know this is not always possible. But this is the thing. We can have a great daily rhythm that might be a really good fit for them.
But if one of them wakes up, no matter how how high the sleep pressure, they might still think, hey, I know, my best mate's over there. I might call out until they wake up and then we can have a great little session of partying and chatting and, you know, just having a blast at 3 a.m. β and that can just be really motivating, even if sleep pressure's really high, they can feel really motivated. They're like, hell yeah, we have these 3 AM parties and it's great fun. And so they just keep doing it.
So if it's possible to kind of break that cycle by having them separate, even just maybe for a week or so, you might be able to, yeah, do any work you want to do on their daily rhythms and test out if some changes make a difference. β but then it might just break that little habit they've developed of having that party overnight. So I hope that helps, Sarah. If you need more support, please reach out. β it could be a good one for a coaching call so we can look really closely at at each of their schedules and and figure out what next.
Cool. All right. Fiona wrote in, lovely Fiona, she sent in quite a few questions over the last little while, and it's always so lovely to hear from you. So Fiona wrote in and said, Dear doctors, ladies, aunties, baby whisperers. She said, Thank you so much for your podcast. You continue to hit the nail on the head so often and answer the questions going on in my head. Love that. She says she loved our podcast about the mental load of managing sleep.
And she thought that we would love to hear about this thing that happened recently. She says we flew to Sydney for a few days and followed the nighttime routine as the bedtime routine as best as possible, but we didn't verbalize it like we usually would. She said, On our first night home, we had bath and dinner when our two-year-old suddenly said, brush book bed. Brush book bed. She says we hadn't long started the rhyme, so I was so happy when she said it unprofitably.
I love that. Toddlers are so good at picking up on those rhythms and especially the things that we say. So I love that you've got this little chant that kind of your toddler works through in the lead up to bedtime. That is really cool. β There's a tip for the toddler parents that might be listening. All right, so on to Fiona's question. She says, β her daughter is inconsistently taking afternoon naps and appears to have a long sleep pressure build before bedtime.
Often needing about seven hours between the end of a nap and falling asleep at night. Fiona currently caps the nap at 45 minutes if it's taken between sort of 12 to 2 p.m., or she'll cap it at just 20 minutes if it ends up falling after 2 p.m. Because she knows that longer naps or later naps end up pushing bedtime very late, sometimes even 10 or 11 p.m.
my goodness, now that is a child that is sensitive to too much day sleep. All right, she says on days she skipped the nap entirely, bedtime tends to run much more smoothly. Fiona understands the concept of sleep pressure in theory, but is struggling to understand why even a short nap can significantly delay bedtime and why a 45-minute nap does not simply shift bedtime by 45 minutes.
She also feels conflicted about waking her mid-sleep cycle after a 20-minute nap, although allowing a full cycle tends to negatively impact the night's sleep. Additionally, Fiona is wondering about appropriate timing for introducing a pillow and transitioning away from sleep suits, particularly given her daughter is still very active in her sleep. Well, there's a bit to unpack here. So, your daughter's two.
And she may it's I mean it sounds to me like she is really getting close to just dropping the nap. So if there are some days where she can skip the nap entirely and bedtime goes beautifully, the nights are great, well maybe it's just time to make that leap. Maybe she's really ready for it. If you're really worried that she struggles to make it to bedtime, then there's two things to think about. Like you could just keep a really brief like bridging nap around midday.
Could be up to 20 minutes, even just a 10-minute kick sometimes can help. β as just a bit of a bridge to help her transition away from naps. β you could try that. but if you think she'll manage it, I'd be inclined to just drop it cold turkey. Offer all of her sleep allocation overnight, of course. β but give her a week or so to adapt because sometimes they just need to enjoy a whole week of longer nights without that day nap.
Then it all kind of clicks into place. They're getting such consistently high quality overnight sleep. They wake up so much more refreshed. And then what do you know? They power through the day. They just don't need that nap anymore. And they're good to go. And even then, you can still just sparingly maybe give a 10-minute bridging nap every now and then. if you feel like they they need it because they're particularly tired. And just keep in mind that sometimes it is a couple of months before they really fully adapt to just dropping the day nap because they're going from having
you know, maybe six or seven hours awake in a row to having, you know, potentially twelve hours or even more awake β in the daytime. β so that answers that bit. The other part about β you know, pillows and stopping using sleep suits, that sort of thing. β I wouldn't rush into a pillow. There's really no benefit. you know, and there's not really a strict age either, but I would just say it's not really needed for now. It's something you'd have in a bed rather than a cot, usually.
so I wouldn't be in a hurry for that. β and sleep suits. β I wouldn't be in a hurry to transition away from using sleep suits at all. In fact, I I think with all three of my kids, they were so hopeless at keeping their blankets on them until they were about five years old. Like most kids, they wake up, they're freezing cold, and they just don't think, I could just pull the blanket back over me. They'll call out and want you to come and do it.
β so don't rush into it. There are sleep suits for older ages. you can get the ones that have like the padded leg type things on them so they can still move around, but they're still, you know, covered and nice and cozy and warm. β and they can be a really good investment in just making sure, you know, everyone stays warm and asleep all night long. So yeah, thank you for your beautiful email, Fiona. And I hope those tips really help. Sounds like you're nearly there with dropping that day nap.
Okay, we have an email from lovely Imogen and she had this lovely message. She said, I absolutely love the podcast and Sombelle and I raved about it to my mum friends. And that is so awesome because word of mouth is really, really important. So thank you so much, Imogen. That is really, really lovely. β Imogen says, I have a v β nearly six month old who has an approximate 12 hour, 45 minute sleep need.
With about 10 hours of sleep at night and 2 hours 45 minutes of day naps. She says he is a cat napper, and as a result, he is still on four or five naps a day. She says in an ideal world he would have fewer naps that last longer duration to help us all make the most of the day, but she's not sure if that's possible or if he's just a serial catnapper. She says his sleep cycles are about 30 to 35 minutes.
Most of his naps are that long, with the odd 40 to 45 minute nap. When he has a nap, he is definitely ready for it. And realistically, she doesn't feel like she could really push out naps any more than she currently does. He'll often have a 30-minute nap in the morning, which doesn't ever seem enough, as he's often really grisly not long after he wakes. And she says he doesn't want to be put down. He has bright red eyebrows and sort of describes quite a lot of tide signs.
Imogen says we've been working on the slow fade approach with cot settling and are currently starting to phase out humming, which they've been taking, she says, a very generous amount of time to implement. Imogen wants to know, will COT settling help to lengthen those daytime naps at all? And is there anything else that she should consider to help this happen? Awesome question, Imogen. I love this. So 100% working on COT settling should help.
I would say at the moment your baby falls asleep with you there. I'm not sure if you're still patting or if it's only shushing now. But even if it is only shushing, some babies are so sensitive that if they fall asleep to the sound of you shushing and they go through their sleep cycle into the deep stages of sleep and they come up into light sleep, they go to do that systems check where their brain is just going, you know, is everything exactly the same? Is there anything I need to be aware of? Am I hungry? Blah, blah, blah. β and
your baby system check might be going, β that sound has stopped. I can't hear mum anymore. And that might be enough for him to wake up with a bit of a start, like, where did you go? Why aren't you still here? And given that he's almost six months old, yeah, prime age for them to start to really care if you dare to leave when they're asleep. So when he does get used to just falling asleep in the cod and you you'll get to a point soon where you won't need to do the shushing. You'll just say goodnight, you'll wander away and he'll put himself off to sleep.
That's often the point when they do start to link the sleep cycles. because they can, they've got that skill. They might come up into light sleep and detect, you know, everything around them still the same, and then they can easily get back into the next sleep cycle. So as you build those skills and he's getting better and better at just putting himself off to sleep, that's when you're likely to see longer naps. But it may be that he also needs a little bit more sleep pressure to do the longer nap as well. So you might find that the nights really improve with some cot settling.
He'll wake up more refreshed, you'll be able to stretch him out a little bit longer. And because he's been stretched out longer, he'll be more likely to link a couple of sleep cycles together. So that's what I would keep working towards. Just kind of keep pushing that, you know, don't be scared of overtiredness. It's fine to really get him to a point where he's very, very tired and grisly. β and then yeah, try the nap at that point. and hopefully with those cuts settling skills, it's gonna come together beautifully for you.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things, Imogen. So well done.
All right, let's move on to Allah Alla says she loves the Sombelle program and podcast. Thank you so much, Ella. That's awesome. β Ella has a nine month old daughter with an estimated 12 and a half hour sleep need. She currently has two day sleeps, one for about an hour and a half and another one for about 30 to 45 minutes. β she goes to bed at 8 p.m. and she gets up at 6 30 a.m.
So yeah, that cut that math works out. Ten and a half hours overnight and a couple of hours in the day. β Alice says she started Sombelle at four months with daytime cot settling and later progressed to night cot settling using the supported accelerated approach at seven months after significant night waking and false starts. Since then she settles independently at bedtime with minimal support and no longer has false starts, and night feeds have reduced to two per night. That is
Awesome progress, well done. She says, however, she's still waking two to five times overnight, with most wakes resettling within five to ten minutes using the supported accelerated approach. She's still room sharing and the parents are unsure about moving her to her own room. Alla is currently working on gradually reducing night feeds while maintaining sort of structured resettling windows.
β she's seeking advice on why night waking is still frequent despite independent settling, whether night fees should be reduced further, and what next steps could help to consolidate sleep. She'd also like to know about managing sleep disruptions during travel, whether temporary feeding to sleep can be a setback, and whether changes in sleep cycle length would affect nap timing or waking. Okay, so there is a lot to unpack here.
So look, first up, I would say we've got to remember that every human naturally wakes five, six or so times overnight. And that's babies as well. So even when we say they're sleeping through, they are waking up, but they're just quietly putting themselves back to sleep again. In Alice's case, her baby wakes sort of two to five times overnight in between the usual feeds and does call out, so is makes some noise, but goes back to sleep really quickly. β
And what's really important is I would say, I mean, there's a couple of things I think. I wouldn't rush in there because it sounds like she wakes up, she can get back to sleep pretty quickly. And sometimes when they're getting used to resettling themselves overnight, so if you've been working on reducing feeds and working on independent settling, then there's gonna be wake-ups where they get really noisy and then they go, β actually, I'm really tired and I can just go back to sleep. And then, you know, two, three minutes later, they're back asleep again.
So when she wakes overnight, I'd really just wait and listen for a few minutes and actually see if she needs your help to get back to sleep. Because if you rush over as soon as she makes a noise, then she's not practicing resettling herself. She's actually used to you coming and doing something. So she goes back to sleep. So just give her as much time as you can and see how she goes, because she's probably going to manage to get herself back to sleep.
You also mentioned, I think, gosh, there's a lot in here to unpack. Let me have a close look. Yeah, you mentioned that you're still room sharing, which is fine. A lot of babies are at nine months. but you could be stuck in a bit of a loop. So sometimes parents keep their babies in their room because they wake so much overnight, it's easier to just reach over and do something. But then if you are in that, yeah, it can sometimes become a little bit of a trap where because you're so close.
you keep reaching over to do something and then they keep kind of relying on you constantly doing these things during the night. So sometimes at this point parents prefer to ha be in a separate room to their baby, just so when their baby wakes overnight, they only hear their baby's kind of grizzles and grumbles when they're, you know, really starting to ramp up and clearly actually need some support. β and it just means it's easier to just take a minute to get in there β before you do something. So that's something to think about. β totally personal decision.
so then let's go to so you've got the self-settling is happening with supported accelerated. β the night feeds, β yeah, you mentioned you're down to two feeds per night. She's nine months old. So the yeah, that makes me think. The other other thing to consider could be that there are many babies for who for as long as they are offered even one overnight feed, they will just keep waking to check if it's time to feed yet.
β so Allah, it could be that your baby isn't, you know, they can't tell the time. They're not really sure when those two feeds are going to happen. So they think, well, I'll just try after every sleep cycle. I'll do a call out and find out if it's time yet or not. β so it may be helpful to start to reduce feeds. If her weight gain's really good and you're feeling really ready to drop the night feeds, you could just work on dropping one every three nights or well, whatever pace you want to work at is fine.
and just make sure you're offering three meals per day. β have a chat with your GP or your health nurse if you're not sure if she's ready for it yet. β but that definitely could be part of the equation. It might be that she's very motivated to wake up and check if it's feeding time. β but of course, dropping night feeds, very personal decision. β that's you know, one for an individual family to make. all right, but I think you're well on track, Ella. You are doing all the right things. So hopefully those little tweaks will help.
And then you asked about sleep disruptions during travel. We have a whole lesson on that in Sombelle. So go and search that one up. It's in no matter what Sombelle program you have, there is a lesson on international travel. I know because I remember writing it. So go and check that out. temporary feeding to sleep, does it cause setbacks? Look, a lot of babies it won't. And then some are just like old enough that they go, You fed me to sleep once the other day, and that is now the only way I want to go to sleep.
So it's very dependent on baby's temperament. β if you think your baby is quite sensitive to it, you might want to avoid that like the plague. And others will say, No, it's fine, we'll do it every now and then, you know, it's all good. So it is very sort of individual. β and then changes in sleep cycle length, yeah, can affect nap timing. If you're trying to wake them from a nap, try and do it when they're at an end of a sleep cycle. β so there's a lot to to bite off there, Allah but
β thank you. Really, really good question. I think you are so close to really having sleep going really, really well. So if you're still feeling stuck, β as goes to any of our Sombelle members, reach out for a coaching call. I've got a ton of availability at the moment, actually. I probably need to be β filling my calendar. So go and book in. You won't have to wait very long to see me right now. all right, we have an email from Kylan.
who says they've identified β that their 15 month old is low sleep needs and Kylan is working on targeting where she falls in an eleven to twelve hour total per 24 hours. So it sounds like you're still working on the sleep diary and kind of looking for what that average is. so a good idea to have seven days of data and then calculate your average and that'll give you a good sense of things, Kylan.
Kyln says over the last β several months, biphasic nights in particular have been a real challenge. So biphasic nights are split nights. It's yeah, the same thing. β she says, we transitioned to one nap about a month ago, and initially it worked great. Then a vacation threw things off a bit. And Kylin says we're working on restabilizing now, but an odd thing is happening. She says, when she has a good night without any long wakes, she's waking up.
Pleasant and energized, right before her typical 10-hour night total, around sort of nine hours, 45 minutes. So it sounds like there's an early wake-up if she doesn't have a split night. she says, but then within two to three hours, she is incredibly fussy and is falling asleep almost like a biphasic night pattern, but shifted to the morning. Okay, I have seen this in sleep diaries a lot. β and that was Kylan's next question. Have you seen anything like this before?
She says, aside from environmental factors, what scheduling factors might I look at to fix this? And should I allow a brief morning cat nap to protect the main nap? She has been sensitive to late afternoon catnaps interfering with sleep pressure and causing long night wakes. So she avoids these if possible. This is such a good question because I will see diaries like this where, β you know, I can see that there's sometimes two-hour split nights where they're wide awake in the middle of the night.
And they might do that for three days and then they have one night where they sleep right through, but then at 5 a.m. or 4 a.m., they're wide awake to start the day. So how I would think about it is it's a bit sort of like, you know, they've got this total sleep need that they're chasing overnight. Sometimes they'll have a split night and then they'll go and sleep in a bit longer. β and other times they're just going to do it all in one chunk, but be awake roaringly early and then really struggle that day. So
How I would think about it is like this. I would have a very rigid bedtime and a very rigid wake up time where no matter and it's got to fit that unique sleep need. So if it's a let's just say it's a 12 hour sleep need, if she's having a two hour day nap, for example, β you've got about 10 hours to work with overnight. So it might be an 8 p.m. bedtime and a 6 a.m. wake up. I don't know what exactly you know.
your your baby's up too Kylin, but this is just a bit of an example. So in that example, if that baby wakes up from 3 a.m. till 5 a.m., you're still getting them up at 6 a.m. You're giving them a big dose of bright light, lots of energetic play, you're giving them some breakfast or milk, some calories getting in there. Because you want to show their circadian rhythm. You can't afford to be awake for two hours in the night because every day we get up on time and we have to power through the day.
We don't overdo the day sleep and we don't have a little catch-up nap because we want to teach her circadian rhythm. You just can't afford to do that anymore. We're not going to allow, you know, you there's not going to be a split night followed by a sleep-in or an extra bit of day sleep. β so that's really important. The light is really important and keeping the set wake up time every day is really gonna help break that cycle with the biphasic nights. Probably after a week, she will be consistently sleeping through the night.
She'll wake up refreshed because she's met her sleep needs and she'll power through the day on that one nap. But often it just really takes a push with steady, predictable bedtimes and not allowing extra catch-up time after a tricky night. β that's what really what it takes with circadian rhythm to really learn and understand that that's the pattern we really need to stick to.
So good luck, Kylin. It's really hard. Split nights are horrible. I think they are just torturous for parents. And the last thing you want to do is go and wake them up on time in the morning. So β I hope that you've got somebody waiting with like a gallon of coffee β after those very, very tricky nights. And just know that it won't be forever. It really won't. Excellent. All right, on to Hannah. Hannah wrote in this is our last question for this episode.
Hannah wrote in and said, Thank you so much again for your amazing program. She said, Sombelle has helped us improve our baby's sleep so much. We've gone from feeding to sleep at least four or five times a night. And she put in brackets, sometimes up to nine feeds per night. Whew. And that's with their now nine month old. β and now their nine month old is just completely independently settling and just has one feed overnight. Like that is an astonishing change, Hannah. Well.
ton like I can't imagine the hard work you've put in to help improve your nine month old sleep and I think too you know from nine wakes down to just one imagine the difference that that's making for your baby to have such high quality overnight sleep. β it's it's so good. We need high quality nights so well done on putting in that work. β Hannah says our baby now goes to sleep around 820 pm
has just one feed overnight and sleeps until around 6 40 a.m. in the morning. Hannah's noticed that sometimes she has extra wakes other than the feed, during which she settles herself within five minutes. She will often wake up around 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. cries out loudly but goes back to sleep by herself. She says sometimes she finds and replaces her dummy and sometimes she falls back asleep without it. She says sometimes she may even wake up a second time
within five or ten minutes, but again settles quickly without any assistance. She says, Are these other wakes to be expected? Or are they signs that her schedule still isn't quite right? Even though they are brief, these wakes still mean I'm waking up a few times a night, listening to hear if she'll resettle, and then of course, poor Hannah's trying to get herself back to sleep after that little interruption. this is just yeah, brilliant, brilliant question.
It's so common. So it taps into what I was saying earlier for one of the other questions. We all wake overnight. β and as adults, we can generally just roll over and go back to sleep. But sometimes babies are gonna have a really big squawk. β so like with the baby earlier, Hannah, it might be that they're calling out thinking maybe it's feeding time. I don't know. I don't have a clock in here. β and she knows she's gonna get one feed at some point in the night. So maybe she thinks, I'll just have a bit of a squawk. I wonder if I'll get a feed.
But what's really important is that she's really briefly getting upset and then just goes straight back to sleep. So we know that she doesn't really need that feed. If she was really hungry, well, she would not go back to sleep. She would keep crying and crying and crying. but you're absolutely doing the right thing, just waiting and seeing. Does she really need me or can she resettle? So it's totally fine. And it's a very, very normal brief wake-up overnight. I'm not too worried.
The only thing that worries me is your well-being, Hannah, because it's really hard when you hear them and it interrupts your sleep and then you've got to try and get back to sleep. so to think about things you could change. I mean, it might be if you're feeling ready and you want to drop that last night feed, absolutely go for it. Check in with your health nurse, check, you know, weight gain's fine and she's ready for it. and you know, it might just be that then she doesn't sort of do those noisy wakes overnight. She knows, yep, I've just, you know, gonna go back to sleep till morning.
β it could be a sign that maybe sleep pressure's starting to drop off. So I would just keep an eye on her total sleep needs. If she's had like a really big drop β in her total sleep average, it might be that she's starting to be a little bit too wakeful overnight. But I wouldn't go and change anything at the moment. I I wouldn't go and change the schedule or anything right now. I would just keep an eye on it. And if those wakes start to get longer,
β more frequent or require really intense support from you, then that's when I would look at definitely, you know, that daily rhythm. Maybe it needs a few tweaks or or something. yeah, so I hope that that I yep, I think that answers all your questions there, Hannah. β you're so close. And it might even just be next week she goes, Yeah, I'm just going back to sleep. So sometimes they are just a bit noisy a few times during the night for a little while and then it just, you know, peters out and
They're all good. So thank you so much to everybody for these brilliant, brilliant feel like these are all questions that are really helpful for lots of other parents. And β it's really such a nice thing that you all do sending in these questions and knowing that there's a huge community out there that's listening to those answers and can go and benefit from that knowledge and share that knowledge as well. β I love our little Sombelle community. It is absolutely the best.
So, one last thing that is a little bit sad, but I can't end this episode without saying my very huge thanks to everybody who follows my personal account. I'm not gonna cry. β I lost one of my dearest dogs last week. β it was the worst, and so many of you beautiful people went online and left me lovely comments, and I can't tell you.
How much that meant to me. my god, I am such a sook. So thank you so much. β Minnie was a really special dog. She was a rescue greyhound who had a pretty horrible life before she came to us three years ago. And she meant the absolute world to me. so it has been a really tough week, and that's why this podcast episode is a bit late. So I apologize, but I needed to take some time just to look after myself and the kids and my other.
Dogs, including George, who, if you're watching on YouTube, you can see this is George over the back. And he's missing his sister very much. So that's why I let him sit in on the podcast today so that he's not lonely. So thank you so much to those who β left those really lovely messages. It really, really helped me and I appreciate it so much. So that's it from me this time. And thank you so much for spending this time with me. β and I know that in the stage of parenting you're at.
your time is so precious. So I really do appreciate you all tuning in to listen. If today's episode has helped you in any way, I would love it if you shared it with another parent who really needed to hear those three little tips. And if you haven't already, please do leave us a review. It makes a huge difference to how many families we're able to reach. If you need extra support, I have time open for Sombelle families as soon as next week. So
please book in for a coaching call if you're a Sombelle member and you'd like to work together. I would absolutely love that. So take care of yourself and see you next time.
